Restoration

This current journey I am on towards making my dream a reality didn't truly hit me until this month. Because I never graduated high school, I would often find myself living in nostalgia, thinking that I had to try harder and harder each year just to make up for all the times I felt like a complete failure. When I finally started feeling like I was making progress within my self esteem as a student, in class, in my writing, in life...there was no one there to fully understand how elevated my mind had become after pouring thousands and thousands of words onto papers and reading dozens of books and stories that not only broadened my views on life, but molded me into this individual who finally heard the whispering voices of Accomplishment. I was so blessed to have family and friends who supported me and my education, yet there was no one who really understood  how strongly the renovation of my mind affected me. I just wanted to converse about books I read, papers I wrote, forgotten histories we learned about in class, and how writing seemed to be the key to immortality, yet I did not say a word because that feeling of doubt and that fear of failure came creeping through my window right before I was able to fully grasp Pride.

I began to underestimate myself, thinking "What is the use of my education, if I have no one to share my knowledge with?" I started to compare myself to others, thinking "What good is this wealth of knowledge, when my head is stuck in books every single day, I'm always low on money and all my friends and family are out getting paid?" I was back where I started - full of fear and self doubt.

It didn't hit me until this month.

How ironic is it that I did not graduate because I failed my senior year in high school and now that it is my senior year in college, I have been tested by the world to see if I would give in to those fears and doubts of the Past...and I passed.

I could not fully grasp Pride because that's not what I was meant to hold.
I was tested so that I could learn how to humble myself and that was all.

Take Your Time

"Wish I could see the future sometimes..."

When I ride my bike and have my headphones play songs like Impossible on repeat, I contemplate and watch the world go by. I always wonder if other people think about life as often as I do. Sometimes I feel like people are living their lives so fast, that they have absolutely no time to think, appreciate, and acknowledge what is and what may be. This fast-paced lifestyle may result in times when we look back at a moment in our lives when we thought that it meant everything to us, then simply forget about it and erase it from our memories. If only we had taken the time to fully absorb those memories and make every one of them worth remembering. I would like to think that every one of us takes our time with all of our endeavors to get to that place we all call Somewhere, but we're only human. Some may rush themselves and end up missing what was really there, a few may attempt to work at what it was that they were chasing and find that their efforts were not enough, and others may not even try at all.

I've always wished the best for humanity and part of that better life would be for all of us to wave off those what-ifs, could haves, should haves, and the would haves by taking our time with every chance we take. 

I wouldn't want any of us to rethink our decisions in life and say "It could've meant everything, but then again it could've meant nothing."  

Let's not rush through life. Let's gradually move forward into the future without living in the past. 

San Jose, You Inspire Me

From crispy brown leaves and empty parking lots to automobiles from the past...

I am inspired by EVERYTHING.

A 90th Day Celebration

April Garguena

Felicidad & Desiree

Fernando

If you haven't already guessed who those people are in the pictures above; 

that is mi familia.

It's amazing how much an individual can go through in just three hundred and sixty five days. I'm not quite sure whether or not it has literally been that long since my life has taken drastic changes, but I am sure of all the opportunities God has given me and my family within that short amount of time.  He speaks to each of us in the most interesting ways and it is deciphering his messages that brings us together when feeling lost. It wasn't until I almost lost my sister to alcohol, that I found the courage to help this foreign drunkard  resuscitate the April my family and I had been searching for. 

I not only found the words to encourage my sister to continue her journey to revival, but taking pictures of her and my family definitely had a way of helping me cope with every obstacle each and every one of us experienced, while we patiently waited for the intelligent, caring, and loving April to resurface. 

Last night, I was able to capture my mother's innocent smile, my sister Desiree's quirkiness, my father's seriousness, and most importantly my sister April's perseverance. These pictures may hold no meaning for those of you who have decided to take the time to read all of this, but these are the pictures that established a day, we all felt, was worth celebrating. I am so proud to say that it was April's 90th day of sobriety.  

Free Your Thoughts

Sometimes solitude is good for the soul especially when all the chaos that school, work, family, friends, and everything else that the world has decided to throw into the mix, has suddenly taken over our own sense of self. It is in our most intimate moments of quiet that we find ourselves. I don't  mean the selves we expose in front of our everyday world, but the self that no one but you knows all too well.

My mind often wanders into unknown realms of creativity. It is in this kingdom of no restrictions that I find my imagination soaring beyond reality's borders of Real. How intriguing it is to come to the conclusion that, if what we consider so real in reality is not real at all, then the reality of our own imaginations is the closest we'll ever get to the truth.

If only we knew what others were thinking, maybe then would we all be Home Free. 

6:15 AM

You robbed me of my ambitions

Had me fishin’ in a pond of no intuition

And I’m wishin’ I never met you in the first place.

You stripped me down from head to toe

Never knowing what was going

Through my head in bed

Every time you’d tell me I was worthless.

I am no longer She;

The Me,

You met when He was still around.

I found

Pieces of She

In the old Me

That lay rotting beside

The nightstand of hopelessness.

*This is the product of unpleasant vignettes from the past deciding to wander in my mind late at night.